Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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