You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
