I think my fart just growled at me.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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