Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
