I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!