Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.