just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
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It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
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I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies