I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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