just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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