im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
