Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
