Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
