Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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