You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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