we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
