Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
