just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
