i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
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She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
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We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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