Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
