It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
