Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just found puke in my bra..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
