He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
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The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
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Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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