He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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