So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
