You really coming over, don't trick.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
