i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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