just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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