I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
