someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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