Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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