I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
