I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
they need to just BURY HIM!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
