Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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