Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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