Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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