I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
