I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
