walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think I won the penis lottery.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
