Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
