You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
