why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
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he shaved USA in his pubs
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
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