Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
