Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
