You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
