i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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