You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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