girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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