i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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