She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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