Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
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At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
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i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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