Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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