I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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