I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
