me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she smelled like a LAN party
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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