i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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