my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
