this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
