R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
