im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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