Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
