i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
try to milk me bitch
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