I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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