What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
