Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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