What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
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Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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